And I find...

When I'm at my worst: 

I feel alone, forgotten, unappreciated and used,

comparing myself to others, and feeling lost

or like I'm not going anywhere.

I think about life,  and ask myself
"what am I going to do if things don't go according to plan?"

"what if I don't reach my goals?"

"What's the point of all of it?"

Almost suicidal.

And at my best:

There's no question I'm going to reach my goals.

I have so many ideas that i don't know where to start.

my drive and ambition shows that my future holds success.

I am planning things, creating things,

acting on my ideas, Loving life,

motivating and uplifting, being proud of who I am 

and everything I stand for.

I've come to accept that I can't control when I'm up and when I'm down

but such extreme states of mind should not be an issue in one person's life

not like this.

So why has it been so long that I've been dealing with this

and why is it going unrecognised as a problem?
I just hope that there will come a time when i can silence the downs

and continue going up

because the past few days I've been in a dark place

and it feels pretty damn awful.
I just want to be happy.

=[
▲iMar

Fuck jealous bitches!

SO

I'm at Conor's

and his room mates are having a get together

that they never informed him was going to take place.

One of the girls he lives with
(Kristina)
likes him

and for that reason doesn't like me.

So you can imagine

she's going to act like a 12 year old

and make shit up so Vlada

(the landlord and her friend)

doesn't want me at the house.

So she tells Vlada that I'm always in the shower in the morning

when she's trying to get ready for work and Conor isn't home.

OK! Point A:

I never shower at Conor's.

I've showered there twice ever

and both times it was with Conor.
Point B:
I don't have any of my stuff to shower there.

Anyways Jer
(who also lives at the house and is friends with Conor)
tells me someone that is coming over

who really doesn't like me and I am being asked to leave.
Person that doesn't like me is Kristina's friend

that also wants on Conor.

I haven't so much as said Hello to this girl.

ANYWAYS as I'm writing this I came to an interesting thought

Kristina likes Conor

Melissa is trying to get on Conor

Kristina doesn't know this.

So after being told that
Vlada doesn't like me being at the house

because I'm costing the house a lot of money

because of water

that I am NOT ACTUALLY using.

Meanwhile I'm not confronting anyone out of respect

for stuff that Vlada is apparently dealing with

and the company they have.

I'm being mature about this
even though none of it is primarily my fault

except the fact that I have a relationship with Conor
that all of them want.

I have one thing to say.
If you want a fucking rumble.
II'll give you a fucking rumble.
And I have nothing to lose in this

because I'm not wrong.

Friday Darps!

Feeling pretty fuckin' Fabuloso right now.
Despite a slight headache

and the fact that I have to be at work for 8:30 tomorrow morning.
Let's not reflect on that though

Want to stay in the clouds for as long as I can.

That's all I got LOL
I wanted to go into a rant and then lost my drive to do so.
Came home to change
Got off work at 7.
Party times at the fortress in honor of the Zwick himself
who's day of birth
met it's 26th? anniversary yesterday.

I'll be having an early night

if All goes as planned
which I have in the back of my mind :
I will end up staying up way to late.
how abouttttttt..
2AM is my cut off time.

2 am Go the fuck home.

OKE DEAL.
Mebe....

ANYWHO.
Stay cool folks.
Have a wonderful Friday evening
Don't drink and drive!

♥

▲iMar

The list.

Roddie McDonald

Kenzie Koltek

Alex Greencorn

Daniel George

Conor Perry ♥

Mitch Kelly

Collection of thoughts.

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

Dear Mr. Fox

Writing with my heart is hard, when it’s so disjointed.. All I know is that I love you. I want to spend my life with you. Mr. Fox, if you read this, please don’t cry… You’ve kept me sane, you’ve kept me productive, and you’ve kept me close. I appreciate that – more than anything in the world. I know dreams are made-up, and hopes are fickle, but that doesn’t stop them from being about you. I hope to warm you with my embrace, and I dream of living together, happy, content, and with a pillow heated by your unmatched love. I want to do it all with you. Everything. I’m bad at math, but I’m hopeful in assuming me+you=love. I want nothing more than your perfection. I need your grace. Your warm embrace.

Attempted love. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t even know if I can. I would never purposely hurt anyone, but I feel like every time I take a step closer to my dreams, someone in my wake gets hurt. I see you and I think, “I need to stop.” But how can I possibly stop? I can’t just pretend I never want to see you again. I want to see your smile everyday, hear your voice, look into your eyes, and hold your hand. I want to be by your side. I want to see mirrored perspectives. I don’t want to make you sad, or loathing. I just want your love. But I know its not about me. It’s about you. I want to know your true feelings… Do I stand a chance of gaining your love? Can you bare to me the raw, unreflected emotion I have?

Can we ever be together?

With Endless Love,

Ms. Fox

A sad day in happy town.

How I feel right now
is pretty much the equivalent to how I felt
being the last person picked for dodge Ball.

I graduate from hair school Next week.

Pretty pumped about that.
However;

another subject has me quite distraught.
Coheed is coming to Halifax this summer with Metallica
which is awesome

BUT,
Tickets are sold out
and I have no one to go with.
I'm pretty disapointed that Drew and Victoria got VIP tickets
and never thought to involve me.
Which means;
Even if i did get my hands on a regular ticket,
I wouldn't be in the same area as them.

When I heard about them coming here

i didn't even wait to put my contacts in

i messaged Drew.
I didn't heard from him till yesterday
after all was said and done.
I don't want to be like Blah blah blah

but i just feel really crappy
that my best friend didn't even think of me
and now I'm not going.

Conor may be at sea
so he's not going to get a ticket regardless.
I hate that everything comes back to me being under appreciated

by people who I would give the shirt off my back for.
the problem with being a giving person,

is that when you don't get the same in return you get bitter

because you have unrealistic expectations from people

and it feels like a slap in the face every time.

Drew, if you ever see this post
I hope you don't get mad and hate me for it

this is just how I feel.
No it was not your responsibility to get me VIP tickets
To be honest I probably can't afford it anyway

but just to mention it would have made me feel thought of.
Maybe I expect too much
but I'd have done it for you.

No I'm not mad,
and I'm not going to resent you for it.
I'm hurt.
:(

▲iMar